A letter to my Father
Some stories aren’t heartwarming.
(In the fall of 1997, my father left our family to be with another woman. He divorced, and proceeded to marry this woman, and move on with his life. Recent attempts were made by him, via email, to open up discussions, but ultimately only opened old wounds. This letter was started after such email was received from him on Father’s Day, and then edited and released after another email came to my inbox on Thanksgiving.)
June 22nd, 2020
November 26th, 2020
Father,
It has come to pass where more than half of my time on Earth has been lived without you in my daily life versus the time spent with you in my life. With these past 2 ½ decades, my time has been given to those in my life currently. Those I care for, those who care for me, those who I help without thought, those who have helped and guided me and have been there for myself, my brother and mother, and so on. At the same time over the years, I have also discontinued numerous relationships, most with ease. Letting go of those who have become negatives in my life has only given me more confidence and strength within the relationships I hold close. Overall, my mantra has been ‘People come, people go’, blood or otherwise.
Regarding your “this is Father’s Day comment”, let’s get one thing clear: You are a lawyer first, father second, and this is whether you like it or not. Even your EMAILS even have the disclaimer right at the bottom, which stands out as I have received your email today on Thanksgiving, signed off as a business email, disclaimer et al. So, to me, I am not talking to my father. I’ve moved on in my life of “having a Father” because I frankly do not feel that I actually have one. That does not exist in my eyes. Sure, you are that person, but that’s it. A person who is, by blood, my father. But, that’s it. Our email conversations involve you more as an attorney than anything else. With that, I have no interest in a relationship with an attorney, especially one I have nothing but anger towards. That is discussed further down in this letter. This is actually a letter that was started based on your email in June, and I have come to this letter to let my feelings out when I have had issues this year I wanted to put in writing. I didn’t have intent on sending this, but obviously your email today regarding the address of my home came in, and it seems as if it is time to finish this letter and send it your way, ultimately respecting my wishes.
Based on your email in June, why on Earth you make the ridiculous decision to bring up the human being (your mother) who “uninvited” me to a funeral, of which I ultimately was guilted into taking the high road, attend and be cordial to those from my past, is head-scratching. Your letter (from June) brings back numerous memories; none of them are good. The phone conversation you and I had in July 2011 where I lost all respect for you based on your inability to defend the family you once had, and you admitting that you do not take sides and thus I have no interest in a human of that nature. Weak and cowardly is what I was ultimately left with that summer, and these feelings have not changed. To continue, the memories of when I was a child and your father ruthlessly swiped a toy out of my hands and reprimanded me, as if I was some street thug looking to steal from his garage. The time your father called me at my office and told me to simply “move on” shortly after your departure in 1997. Multiple memories of my own mother, crying at home after trips to see your parents. The fact that your entire family has no regard for the three of us, and that your sister has the audacity to supposedly “want” a relationship with me, but after our lunch it was quite clear we would never speak again and we would go just our separate ways as what took place when you took off in the first place. There is total disdain from anyone on your side of the family. These are more memories, that go with aspects I learned over time, incredibly dark and disturbing decisions made by you and your family, including forging checks and abortion.
This is moving on and spending my life with the people I care about, no matter the relationship.
My feelings and actions towards others fall very much in-line with those of your mother. The ability to lose any care for another, no matter what the relationship is. To move on when feeling crossed and treated like shit. When you speak of one’s DNA, I certainly carry those genes. An email of your personal accomplishments and relationships, your semi-immortal genetics and the long living ways of your mother only confirms the confidence of my decision that my family are those people in present and future, and not of those from my past of which I no longer have nothing in common with.
In 2020, many years after your departure, I carry the burden of looking over a mother and brother that you and your family abandoned and completely discarded on Halloween of 1997. Period. These are facts. You have your own family. I have mine. Both of your parents approved of your decision that year, and it is best we both look at our lives as completely separate. Your apology, in my opinion, is paper thin, and holds no water. You have zero empathy from me. I made it perfectly clear how I felt about you on that phone call in July 2011. I made it perfectly clear my expectations of you in the summer of 1997 when divorce was inevitable. You blew me off like I was a chump. Nothing’s changed.
As you may or may not noticed upon your commenting on an article of which I posted on my LinkedIn page, I immediately decided to find and post one of the momentous scenes from the television series “The Plot Against America.” It is the scene where the leading female (Bess) reaches a place where she must choose between the family she has to watch over, and the family member who made selfish decisions and looks for forgiveness. I waited with incredible intrigue to how she would handle such an arduous decision. (Her name is Evelyn.) The scene brought me comfort. The scene’s closing gave me a sense of being OK with my feelings, and how even family can betray you, and you do not have to forgive them for the simple reason of blood relations. You may have loved someone, or may still love someone. It does not mean you must forgive their actions, no matter the relationship.
As Philip watches, Bess turns the desperate woman away. She chooses to put the safety of her family above that of her sister, and has little choice but to do so, as Evelyn has shown time and again her disdain for Bess’ opinion in regards to her family’s safety. “I will always love you,” Bess says to her sister, “but I will never forgive you.” Evelyn calls after her, insisting, even with mounting evidence to the contrary, that she didn’t do anything wrong. Bess remains silent as she walks away. https://www.filminquiry.com/the-plot-against-america-part-6/
Above everything I’ve written, let me make one thing perfectly clear: You have no idea the amount of anger I have with you. It’s massive. I’ve been angry with you going on decades. You completely disgust me, and your selfish behavior and the way you speak of your apology from June makes me sick. You’ve lost my respect and you think all should be forgiven. I’ve done a ton of therapy, and it comes down to the fact that you are someone I have no interest in forgiving, and giving you the freedom from your selfish acts that completely altered the paths of 3 individuals who did absolutely nothing wrong. I told you in the summer of 1997 to handle your business like an adult. I understood that divorce happens. I was literally “adulting” at the age of 20. You blew me off like I was some punk kid, and now you want to send me an ultimatum on a relationship (now in 2 emails. I’ve thrown the ball over the fence, and I don’t want to see it again). You choose not to handle your business like an adult. You were 100% selfish. I do not forgive you. I never need to be reminded of when Father’s Day is. I am aware when that holiday is, and I look forward to speaking with the men and father figures who are alive that I hold in regard to that holiday, even though I loathe Father’s Day, and I prefer the following Monday so it is in the rear view. Your entire family is in my rear-view mirror, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don’t look to have more friends in my life, and if I do, it is with people that are my present and future, not my past. I don’t need friendships that I have zero interest in, no matter who the person’s relation might be. Quality of quantity.
I really thought that my ignoring of these 2 emails said what was understood, but I have had to actually come out, put everything in this letter, and now close the chapter. It is in closing that it is my opinion we simply live very different lives. And living separate lives is OK. I don’t need a housewarming gift.
Take care.
