Dark Days
How it feels dark, when there is so much sun
Tonight, I felt like I lost it, again. I laughed more, I completely disregarded dinner, I took in more time on the patio, on the phone. I completed the days work, I came home to zoom with friends, as I have weekly, Wednesday evenings, with a group of which 2 people were actual friends, and the others have become new friends. This weekly call has brought a little comfort to this current life, whereas a group of people, in their homes, spread across the country though I believe I am the only west-coaster in the bunch, talk about their days, the news of the world, share stories, and so on.
I left the dinner in the fridge tonight, and made the decision tonight’s dinner would be strictly dessert. A friend posted his video, Banana’s Fucking Foster, and I saved the video to my Facebook page, to load one evening and try and re-create his works. I ran to the store to purchase the ice cream, making a decent decision in the ‘somewhat’ healthy vanilla, and a horrible decision in a ‘very’ healthy mint chip that will rot in the freezer as a complete waste of a purchase.
The endless casserole, how packaged in different containers in the fridge, was on timeout tonight, its healthy contents taking a backseat for the sizzling bananas on the skillet, bathing in a sauce of rum, a little almond milk, cinnamon, brown sugar, and vanilla extract. The combination simmering, as my phone would blow up with texts and phone calls. The interruptions were annoying, and I patiently waited until my composition was complete, layering over the proper vanilla ice cream in a bowl. For once, my brother even had his own bowl, and posted about the lovely dessert. He is one to completely avoid every fucking thing I make, no matter if it tastes good or decent. It’s fine, I cook for myself anyway.
I took to the balcony, having a conversation with one of the small, small circle of people I speak with on a daily basis, discussing the markets, news, and so on.
These are dark days. It is without question that our life, months ago, was so much different. Even in dark days, however, there is solace. There are moments of laughter, of baking, of brewing, of discovery, of conversation. We make calls, we speak to those a little longer, as there is nowhere to go, not as much to do, events and such taken away from us, for the time-being.
It reached a peak of 96 degrees today, I stepped outside for a moment to grab my lunch from the lovely lady in the Toyota CRV, a bright white one, her face covered in mask, her hands in gloves. I quickly took the stairs back into the building, and walked quickly back towards my office. The heat would eliminate any long walks to Starbucks, which as of Monday, would allow walk-ups. This was breakthrough, an aspect of the daily routine taken away for a month, during harsher rules brought on by the city, in curbing the pandemic.
I write more, more than I have in a long time. These dark days, these quiet nights, it allows me to try and think more outside of what apps to click on, what photos to scan on Instagram and Facebook, what tweets to retweet. I started writing last night on death, but I ran out of thoughts to put together a worthwhile post. Who is to say this one, after I publish.
The good (?) news is the city is opening more on Friday. Trails, golf, specific shopping, highly specific. I leave a question mark in the sentence prior as it begs the question, what is good news. Allowing people to do more, only to find themselves causing more harm and creating more illness? Or is it the fact that this is unprecedented, that no one in any living generation has experienced a pandemic, lived under quarantine in America, and now are trying to do right, stay sane, keep focus, help those in need. Where are we right now, and where are we going?
These are dark days. Even when the sun beats down, and the temperature rises. We have history to show us what dark days were, but even in other times, and generations, there were hot days in dark days. It feels as if spring was 4 days old, and summer is now. It’s May, the beginning of, and we are putting many questions, with little answers out in the ethos.
Some evenings, there will be feelings of losing it, feeling dark, cynical laughter. These will pass, but for me, it’s important to acknowledge them. Accept feelings, stay brave and strong, and use the words to release the sentiments. All of it is so important. These dark days… They will pass.
